Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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