you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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