My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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