we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
