Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I wear drunk well.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
