sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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