Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
You left your phone here
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