Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
im drinking this country out of the recession.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
