Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
FUCK WHALES
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
do nipples grow back?
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