You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
