He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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