i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
