yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Randomize
