i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
