I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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