I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
