I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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