I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm both gender and math confused
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
