I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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