I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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