My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
