I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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