just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
