And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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