It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
