So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
