Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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