so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
