Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My ATM looks so different sober.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
