listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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