there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
