Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
