How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
