just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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