is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
