"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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