Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
