sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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