You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
