Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
