I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
