Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
