Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You've changed since you got that strap on
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
