last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
