I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
