i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I need a beard to bite.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
