mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
