A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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