1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
