I feel like abortions should bother me more
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
